I know that it has been a while since my last post, but what can i say? Things have been hectic. But I have returned and maybe this time I can keep things on track.
I was in a Toys R Us recently, looking to use a gift card that I got around the holidays, and decided to take a stroll around the store, to see what it was the kids had to play with these days. The bikes were all right, and there were of course the video and board games. But I was more interested in the action figures. When I was a kid, all those years ago, we had Star Wars, Transformers, the random superhero figures and G.I Joe to sustain our imaginations (and to tie in to our beloved shows or what have you). I was surprised to see that those toys not only still existed, but they really suck now. Especially the super hero toys.
Someone explain to me why in the world you would put Batman in a day glow outfit? There is no reason for this at all, unless Joel Schumacher had a hand in that figure’s design. He is called “The dark Knight” for God’s sake. He goes out to fight crime at night, not high noon. He should be dressed, worst case, in the colors of the movie suits: BLACK. Best case, you dress him in the colors of the comics; grey suit/blue cape, grey suit/black cape and the cowl with varying ear lengths, cape at various volumes of flow-ness. As he is a gadget guy, you can milk him for play sets (Gotham, the Bat cave) and all kinds of vehicles (boats, planes cars) and even give him the glider, but just make it black. On the off chance that Batman went to the Arctic, do you know what he did? He put on a damn coat, and took it off when he got inside. Other accessories could be HIS SUPPORTING CAST. Robin, Commissioner Gordon, Batgirl (old and new) not to mention a rouges gallery and some random thugs and citizens thrown in, then that would be a franchise done right.
Superman has the same problem. Tell me, why would you give a guy that could fly in outer space a car, with a big “S” on it? Why would he need to drive? EVER? Superman has been given guns, underwater suits, some submarine thing with hands on it… all they needed to do was make various versions of him with a torn up suit. You have “Clean Superman”, no damage, suit in one piece, ready for action. Then you could have “Ass-Whupped Superman” where the suit was torn, cape ripped up, the guy looking like he had his ass handed to him. “Lava Burned” Superman for those days he had to fly through a volcano (volcano play set included). Finally “Kryptonite Poisoned Superman” where he was all green form the Kryptonite exposure. Again, a Metropolis and Fortress of Solitude play set, some supporting cast members and villains, and there is no need for the stupidity of Coffee Shop Superman which includes latte grip.
The Transformers line was hit or miss for me. While it was great to have something that transformed into a gun, tank, plane, etc if you couldn’t change it as fast as they did in the cartoon, a little of the suspension of disbelief was lost. And when the joints got loose from actually playing with the toy, the transformations didn’t hold, and that got to be annoying. Plus the toys were mostly too small to do a G.I. Joe/Transformers cross-over, so they never got too much love from me. While I admired their design, I only had a couple of them (Shockwave and Starscream) and that was enough.
The Star Wars figures were ok, but after getting my hands on the G.I. Joe toys, the fell way down on the coolness meter. Darth Vader was great, but he couldn’t move; his arms and legs just moved up or down, that was it. Snake Eyes could bend his knees and elbows, so Darth and the rest of the Start Wars gang went into the toy box. Everything except for the Millennium Falcon and the lightsabers. The Joes could use those in their struggles.
The G.I. Joe toys (from the 80’s thru early 90’s at least) were the only line that got it right. You had various action figures for the good guys and bad guys. The bad guys even had a line of the toys that were basically the ‘red shirts’ (the Cobra or Cobra Officer soldiers) so you could, provided you got more than one of every vehicle, stage epic battles with the right number of toys. I remember it was in the mid or late 90’s when Hasbro lost their mind and started producing ecco-friendly Joes, to coincide with that tree hugger version of a cartoon that they tried to shove down the kid’s throats. They totally messed up a good thing, and it was at that time that I realized I was a little happy that my toy days were over.
Or so I thought…
Next: “It’s a collectible, dammit!!”
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