“Catches bullets with his teeth…!?” - Part 1

Back in 1985, the film The Last Dragon was unleashed on an unsuspecting public. No one needed this movie (well, maybe Vanity did… girls gotta eat, I guess) but there it was. Directed by Mike Schultz (yep the same guy that directed Cooley High) the movie follows martial artist Bruce Leroy as he searches for “the master”. During his quest he meets a VJ/singer (remember when "VJ" was a job?) named Laura Charles (played by Vanity)  that he has to protect from a crazy music promoter as well as deal with Sho'nuff, the Shogun of Harlem, who sees Leroy as an obstacle in his quest to be the true martial arts master.

Yeah, this movie had a lot going on.

During a conversation with a co-worker, this movie came up. She feels that Bruce Leroy is one of the great movie martial arts characters. I think she is crazy, but everyone is entitled to their opinion. This began a week long debate about who would win in a fight with Bruce Leroy.

Naturally I thought that this would make a good multi-part blog post.

The Last Dragon had some fight scenes, but was not rife with them. Being that this was the only appearance of Bruce Leroy, you really don't have much to go on. There were maybe 2 legitimate fights featuring Leroy in the film, so it is those scenes that will be used to support/disprove Leroy's status as either a "Master" or just some jerk.

So, without further delay...

Bruce Leroy vs. John Lawrence (from The Karate Kid, 1984)

Bruce Leroy:

This is the best fight in The Last Dragon. It is the climactic fight between Leroy (played by Taimak) and Sho'nuff (played by the late great Julius Carry) for all the marbles, music videos and whatever the hell else they were fighting for. This is the best example of Leroy's skill, so get used to seeing this during however long this series goes. 

Leroy wins, and was only able to do so when he finally got his shit  together and found "the Glow", better known as his self confidence. Mr. Nuff is defeated and Leroy goes on to be annoying another day.

John Lawrence:

Mr. Lawrence spent the majority of The Karate Kid beating the crap out of Ralph Macchio's Daniel Larusso for every reason known to man. There is even some debate that Johnny was going to kill Daniel after he was given an unwanted shower by Larusso when Johnny was trying to roll a joint. 

Ah, teenagers.

This video shows a semi-final match between Johnny (William Zabka)  and the poor bastard in his way to that championship, Daryl Vidal. The audio is in Spanish, but we are here to watch, not listen:

There is a reason that scene was less than 2 minutes long: Johnny is efficient.  He struck when an opening presented itself, and proceeded to lay the smack down on that kid like a surgeon. Yeah, Johnny lost in the finals, but that's because this is Hollywood, not real life. 

The Verdict:

Johnny wins easily. As Bruce looks for the Glow the whole time, Johnny is busy dolling out a complete ass whipping in about 3-4 minutes. Johnny doesn't have an issue with self confidence, so he is glowing like a small sun that should be burning Leroy's retinas. After dispatching Bruce Leroy, he then takes Vanity out to a nice dinner and regales her with tales of how he once beat up a kid from New Jersey that thought he could learn Karate from a janitor in a month.

YOU LOSE, LEROY.

NEXT:

Bruce Leroy

VS.

Nico Toscani

And the Nominees are....

September 28th is the deadline to submit nominations for the National Film Registry. Submission is simple, and you can find instructions on how to do this here. Any film that you nominate has to be “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant" and at least 10 years old. Now as to the culturally, historically or aesthetically significant status of your selection, I believe that is more of a personal thing (as films are a form of art) so the film that you feel fits that criteria, someone else may look at as just pop culture nostalgia or worse. Take a look at the films in the registry and judge for yourself. But I say if there is a film that you feel needs to be preserved, nominate away. You can submit a total of 50 nominations (per year) and since the deadline is so close, the 50 titles I have submitted are located below. I have taken them from a list of films not yet nominated, that can be found here. And yes, I have seen all of these movies, some of them multiple times.

 1. Mark of Zorro (1920)

 2. The Gay Divorcee (1934)

 3. Captain Blood (1935)

 4. After the Thin Man (1936)

 5. Topper (1937)

 6. Harvey (1950)

 7. Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2th Century (1953)

 8. Guys and Dolls (1955)

 9. Ali Baba Bunny (1957)

10. The Blob (1958)

11. The Magnificent Seven (1960)

12. The Great Escape (1963)

13. It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963)

14. A Shot in the Dark (1964)

15. The Dirty Dozen (1967)

16. A Clockwork Orange (1971)

17. Dirty Harry (1972)

18. Superfly (1972)

19. Serpico (1973)

20. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

21. Marathon Man (1976)

22. Superman (1978)

23. The Warriors (1979)

24. Blues Brothers (1980)

25. Escape from New York (1981)

26. Evil Dead (1981)

27. 48 Hours (1982)

28. Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan (1982)

29. A Christmas Story (1983)

30. Beverly Hills Cop (1984)

31. Ghostbusters (1984)

32. Sixteen Candles (1984)

33. The Breakfast Club (1985)

34. Aliens (1986)

35. Top Gun (1986)

36. Lethal Weapon (1987)

37. The Princess Bride (1987)

38. Die Hard (1988)

39. Batman (1989)

40. A Few Good Men (1992)

41. Reservoir Dogs (1992)

42. Jurassic Park (1993)

43. Pulp Fiction (1994)

44. Clerks (1994)

45. Usual Suspects (1995)

46. Saving Private Ryan (1998)

47. Fight Club (1999)

48. South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut (1999)

49. The Matrix (1999)

50. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

The Wife

I will soon be celebrating my third wedding anniversary. Oh, I’m sorry if you missed the wedding. I did too. My, how crazy life gets.

I am speaking of my work wife of course (that is her picture on the left). It turns out that I had a previous marriage (that I also had no idea about) that ended when Advanta closed and that particular wife got married for real. But when I last spoke to that former wife, she says that we are still married and the current work wife is just a usurper.

Yes, it does sound ridiculous. Thanks for understanding.

I have no idea where the work spouse idea came from or how it was that I ended up married. There were no drugs or shotguns involved, and I understand that those are the normal tools used in getting someone to marry. I know for a fact that I have not had sex with either of these women, but I hear that is normal for married folk, so I can’t really site that as a precedent. What I can say is that my current wife situation at least happened gradually.

I first met her during my interview for where I work now. She was very professional in her introduction, and had a nice smile. She only asked me a couple of questions and then she talked... a lot. It was all information about the job, not just idle chit chat. And since she is gorgeous, she could have been telling me I had two hours to live for all I cared.

After I got the job, I learned that she sat right behind me. This would have been great if I had plans to try and “talk” to her, but I had no grand designs on making her mine or anything stupid like that. She was friendly and funny and despite my already knowing several people that worked here it was good to have someone close by that I could ask questions. As the weeks and months went on I got to know her better and began to consider her a friend. We did what friends and co-workers do; spot one another for lunch, grab a soda or something from the vending machine for the other person and take occasional cheap shots when joking around, nothing out of the norm. For the longest time I thought she was dating someone else in the office since they were so close. I had no idea she was seeing someone outside of work. But at some point after I was introduced to the long term boyfriend something happened...

One day she asked me for money to get chips or candy so I gave it her like normal. But instead of just “thanks” it was “thanks honey”. Didn’t really think anything of it but the honey began to be accompanied by I love you then next thing I know the word husband entered the mix. If I bought another woman something and not her I got yelled at in English and Spanish. I had no idea when things changed... and I also learned that there was no way out. It was like I had been inducted into the CIA or the mob... I was in this until my death. If she needs money, she comes over and just puts her hand out. She tells me when she is hungry and I am supposed to fix that. When she wants to go out to get something to eat for breakfast or lunch she comes to my desk and says “come on I’m hungry”. If I am talking or walking with another woman and she sees me she asks (loudly)” what are you doing with that heifer?” Of course, the yelling is just her way of kidding around. I know that she could care less as to whom I talk to, walk with or any of that. I also hope that the way she asks for money is her joking too, because if not I need someone to help de-program me, and quickly.

I suppose that as fake marriages go, things could be worse. But I could still do with less fake sex. If I could get that changed this might be the best marriage ever.

Once It's Out There...

A few years ago, I was asked to help out a friend by doing something that I had never done before.  Now, to say that I was apprehensive was an understatement.  I would be taking (for me at that time) a big chance, putting myself out there in a way that I never had before.  I was opening myself up for all kinds of abuse and judgment, which could have destroyed me. But a friend needed my help, and though I was a terrible person 85% of the time back then, I helped out.  

I agreed to be an actor in his student film.

I have always been a bit of a movie nut, and this was a chance to see things from the other side of the camera, to coin a phrase. It was enlightening. I understood a little better how things worked, and saw how hard it can be. The experience gave me a healthier respect for what my friend Eric did, and also made me want to kill him and his co-director/writer Rob. So, it was a typical movie shoot, from the things I have read.

One of the other friends I worked with on this movie was Ed, who sadly passed away a few years ago. I had known Ed for a few years when we made this movie. He was a bastard at times (so was I), and for all of the years that we knew each other, there were instances that we wanted to kill each other. When I watched the film again, it brought back a lot of memories of him… some good and some not so good, but that’s how life is. But that’s how it is supposed to be with brothers.  He was the other brother that I never wanted, but got anyway.

I post this link to share the movie with folks who haven’t seen it in a while and share it with others that never saw it.  Not like it wasn’t on the internet anyway, plus I feel that the rest of you need to be subjected to the horror that was my “acting”. I’m a bastard that way.

5 Simple Reasons on Why I Will Miss Alison and the other thing…

One of my co-workers will be leaving to continue her education, and have decided to list the reasons why I will miss her. Mostly, this was an exercise to see if I was capable of things like sentiment and compassion…. you will have to be the judge on that, as I don’t think that I am capable of those emotions, at least not traditionally. Oh, and there is also this other thing.

She has a smile that is bright and genuine… it’s terrible. Her smile is like the sun, and it burns my evil soul, but reminds me that I am still human.

She laughs at many of my antics with a mixture of amusement and contempt. 90% of the time I know that I am on the razor’s edge, and that keeps me honest.

She has always accepted my gifts with equal parts gratitude and terror*; she was happy to get the gifts and afraid what may be coming next. I loved that.

For the better part of working with her, I thought she hated me. While she politely denied my accusation, I still think I was on to something. I like to believe that her hatred of me had some small part in the decision she made to leave and continue her studies.  

She is an amazing woman. I will miss working with her and I wish her the best. I hope that when she reaches the top, she still will take the time to wave hello.

*the gifts in question were lunch, a stuffed dog and a fruit basket. That’s not too terrible, right?

Needing a Dislike Button…

… but first, a quick note: part 2 of THE poem of the 21^st century has been posted here. You can read the first part over there somewhere as well. You're smart, I know you'll find it. Now, on to this week’s post.

While chatting away at work today, the conversation turned to movies. Due to the very real chaos that was taking place in the country due to a tornado outbreak, the movie Twister was brought up. And that is when my co-worked Dave brought up the subject of hating actors or in this case, actresses. Per Dave, he says that he doesn’t hate actors so much, as he is more likely to believe what a man tells him. But a bad actress is the worst. He also brought up how he hates going to the movies (for reasons that I have to say I have never run across) but we will get to those another time.

Per Dave, here are his 3 top hated actresses, in the order that he mentioned them:

3. Joan Cusak – “She is the worst! John Cusak was amazing in the 80’s, and then there she is, ruing all of the movies that she is in.” (I was able to get Dave to say that she wasn’t bad in Grosse Pointe Blank.

2. Helen Hunt – “Oh, my god she’s just terrible. She is so unattractive and untalented… just awful.”

1. Julia Roberts – “She always plays the same part, trying to be innocent or sweet. Bullshit! She’s not nice, and that crap she tries to pull on screen is fooling no one.”

While I cannot say I totally agree with all of Dave’s points (I think Helen Hunt can look ok from certain angles and in certain light), this did bring up a question for me… were there any entertainers that I disliked or hated as much as Dave?

Yeah, I suppose there are.

To remain similar to my co-worker, I will name my top 3 and the reason for it.

3. Terrence Howard – He is always friggin’ crying. For one reason or another there is always a tear running down his damn face. I swear that he was crying during his role in Iron Man too. And there was no reason at all to cry in that movie.  Maybe that’s just how his voice is, always on the verge of breaking. Either way, get him outta here.

2.  Tim Burton – It didn’t start out as dislike. Batman and Edward Scissorhands were fine. But then the movies kept coming and they just all seemed the same; weird, misunderstood and quirky characters being quirky and weird…. got nothing else to show me, Tim? No? Then stop it.  But maybe it wasn't all his fault. Maybe it was the Danny Elfman score that made everything seem the same. Or Johnny Depp always being there.

1. Everyone involved with the Twilight movies/books. – I have never seen the movies or read the books, but the entire concept just annoys the crap outta me. Those books/movies just show that no matter how cool a concept that you have, it can be ruined for no reason at all. Vampires and werewolves, brooding all over the place, whining in high school… isn’t high school terrible enough? Why add that crapfest on top of it? 

So.... yeah.....

I'm back... again.  It has been difficult to get back on this horse, but I am determined to try again.  Why do I keep trying you ask? Mostly because I am an idiot.  But also I just refuse to let something that I actually like to do (like watching movies, stalking Melinda and eating raw quail) fall by the wayside. This return to a regular posting pace (let's say once a month and if there are more frequent posts.... hooray!!) also includes something new... mainly this. 


I will always look to post a rant, rave or opinion on this site (summer movies!... video games!... sports!... books?... random opinions no one has asked me about!), but you will see less short stories. But that is, again, because of this.


And oh yeah, watch this space too...